Seamus Finnigan and Winston Churchill
by Underclass
Summary: Seamus is in the librarydoing extra homework and gradually causes all Hell to break loose. Hermione, Neville, Lavender, Parvati and Madam PRince also feature. Contains language that would make a sailor blush.


Seamus Finnigan and Winston Churchill  
  
By Underclass  
  
Disclaimer: Unless you are JK Rowling I don't own these characters any more than you do. If you are JK Rowling, you own them a lot, lot more than I do. And please don't kill me for making your characters do this.  
  
NB, ye might want to know, bouer is a word used in parts of Ireland, especially the West. It means girl, woman or girlfriend depending on the context. Also spelt beor, but not in this piece. Spellcheck doesn't recognise either spelling.  
  
Well fuck McGonagall and her extra homework, anyhow, and here's me stuck in the library of a Saturday agus é in hó ró raidí (and it in the late afternoon). All because I blew up a shaggin' saucer, not like it's the end of the world or anything, is it? Fuck sake, I'll never get this done. I should be above in the Common Room with the lads, or out be the lake knockin' back a few bottles a' the butterbeer.  
  
Arrah, Jaysus, not those two. Fuckin' Lavender and Parvati. They'll be fuckin' gigglin' like a pair a' hoors. Bouers, feckin' bane a' me life. Still, you'd do them, though, wouldn't ya? You'd give yer length to the pair a' them all the same. Or get them to go down on ye, that way you'd be gettin' a few minutes quiet.  
Yeah, yeah, all smiles, girls, how ye doin' 'n all that shite. Nice big smile from Lavender there, great aul shake a' the arse off of her too, fair play. I know ye want me, bouer, but yer gonna have ta be doin' sumtin' about giving everyone's ears a rest now and again. Jaysus, Parvati's looking fine today. Did her tits get bigger this week, or what's the scéal (story)? The sun in her hair, Christ I'm risin', uh, the squid, detention, Winston Churchill, ah, that did the trick, as always. Fat aul bastard's good fer sumtin' all the same, who'd a' thought it?  
Ah, Jaysus, don't be comin' up to me, I'd rather just get me fuckin' homework done, if it's all the same to youse, like. And don't "Hi, Séamas" us like that, I hate it when people use the word Hi, it's fuckin' stupid. Oh, Christ, don't be sittin' on me desk like that! Winston Churchill! Winston Churchill! Fuck it, at least the robes won't tell them much. Not that I mind, fuck I'd flash the pair a' them only Madam Prince is up the front. Ah, Madam Prince, that did the trick. Aul' bitch is as useful as Churchill.  
Yes, it's fuckin' terrible all the extra homework McGonagall gave me, fuckin' right it wasn't fair, and I'll fuckin' swear in the library if I want to, you old cow! Oh, I'm banned from the library now am I? Well, that's it, I'm mooning you. Talk back to us now, you aul' hoor, go on, say sumtin' funny while yer starin' at me arse.  
"Get your feet off the desk, boy", that'll do nicely. Go on, send an owl to me Ma all you like, she never fuckin' stops givin' out about you anyhow.  
So I'm barred from the fuckin' library for indecent exposure. Obviously she didn't see the time I gave it to Hermione down the back. Hope Ron doesn't find out about that, the ginger tosser'd go spare, Jaysus, she was a mighty ride an' all.  
Oh, Christ, them bouers're followin' me. Why the fuck do they have their hands over their mouths like they just choked on some fella's come? And would they stop saying "Oh, my God!" Just cos they'd never have the balls ta moon anyone. Well a' course they don't have the balls, like, but the guts they could have now. And I'm adding "I don't believe it!" to the list of things ye're not to be saying around me, A Thiarna Dhia (Oh, Lord God), I'm not in a fuckin' sitcom.  
Yes, yes, I know I'm gonna get in trouble for moonin' Madam Prince, do I look like I give a shite? Didn't think so. Well, I'm off to the Common Room, though it's the worst place in the world to study on a Saturday. Arrah, sure, I haven't much left, like fuck I don't. Would you two prostitutes ever shut up talking? Jaysus, Parvati looks smashin' today, you'd do her from next door with the size a' the bulge'd be on you! Not half as annoyin' as the other wench, too bad it's the fuckin' headwrecker that fancies me. And it's a good job I'm walking too, I'm sick an' tired a' thinkin' a' Winston fuckin' Churchill all year.  
So, where are you two headed? Don't know! Christ they're followin' me, good job there's a bog on this hall. Well, I'm headin' in for a quick wank, girls, if ye'll excuse me. They look disappointed. Bollocks to them, I'm in no fuckin' mood for them two right now. At least I'm not hungover. Might as well take a slash as long as I'm in here. Here we go, any minute now, come on. Ah, there we go. See if I can hit the mirror. Come on, nearly, big effort. Nice one. Not sure why they have a mirror there. Wonder if it's one way, What's on the far side a' that wall? Hmm, níl a fhois agam (I don't know), now I think of it. Ah, well, shake away, give the hands a quick scrub, now. At least this place never runs out of soap, not like half the muggle bogs out there. Wonder where the bouers went. Hope they're not still out there waiting for me.  
Coast is clear, nice one. Group of first years, fuckin' Slytherin bastards. Try 'n look intimidatin'. What did he just say? Cheeky fucker, I'll kick his little Slytherin arse. Grab the little fucker by the collar, Say that again, says I, liftin' the cunt right off his feet with me drinkin' arm. Me guitar arm too, and me wand arm, in every sense a' the word. Well, if yer not gonna say it again, fuckin' never say it again. Knee the little fucker in the nads, direct hit. He won't be standin' up again for a while. Look at that, they're drawin' their little wands on me. We'll see about that. Bunoscionn, there's one they don't teach you at Hogwarts, nice little Irish curse, got them all. Ow! Except him! Accio little Slytherin bastard, gotcha. Now, headbutt the little shite. That'll learn 'em.  
Now call me a mudblood again, and I'll get really pissed off and beat seven different types a' shite out of your whole fuckin' inbred house. Especially you, yeah you with your balls in a sling. Have some manners.  
Havin' a busy day, I'll have a fair bit to be talkin' about when I'm on the lock tonight. On we go, I wonder if anyone knows the counter curse to the one I used, God knows I don't, Dumbledore probably does.  
Into the Common Room. Good, it's Hermione, maybe she can give me a hand with me extra homework, she probably does shite like this in her spare time. Howya, Hermione, nice to see you, too. Yeah, I got a good start made on it, but I'm a bit bogged down now. Would you? Sound. Her notes are always perfect. Looker, too. Christ! There's that smile of hers! Send me belly to the floor. Smile back, smile back, not too suggestive. That'll do. Reachin' into her bag to get her notes, get a look at the chest on her! Smashin'! Wonder if she'd go for a quick one in the library, oh wait I'm barred! Shite. Well, this castle is full of places to. Look away! Her eyes, her eyes? She caught me lookin' at her tits again. Does she care? can't tell. I should have been nicer to her after that time, but I was a bit hungover. She's smiling. Raised eyebrow! I'm in!  
Have I been to the library lately, funny you should ask that! Why? Oh, Christ, no, not them too again, with their hands over their mouths. Pair a' wagons, I was in, don't fuck it up for me! Oh my God, did you hear? Well, of course I heard, the fuckin' story's about me, isn't it? Yes. Hermione looks impressed! You mooned Madam Prince? Yeah, like, I stood up on the desk, turned me arse to her and mooned the bitch. And he beat up a bunch of Slytherins. Oh, you heard about that? Why? Sure, they called me a mud-blood, so I let them have it. Francis Russell is in the hospital wing with swollen testicles? Good for him. Of course, they didn't say who done it to them, but you two geniuses knew I was just coming out of the bog, yes I enjoyed my wank very much, thank you, so it must have been me.  
Christ, do them two ever shut up? There's Lavender sitting like that again, well she can piss off. Someone kicked me under the table, twice, Hermione. Nice one, she's rubbing me leg with her big toe. Winston Churchill, Winston Churchill. There goes.  
Well, they're off again, thank God. The Common Room is empty, except for meself an' herself. So you're barred from the library? Says she, Yeah. Your dorm? Says she, twisting her hair around her finger and into her mouth. Ar aghaidh linn (Let's go), says I! We half run to the stairs, Jaysus, the arse on her! She throws her hand back for me to grab hold of. Christ, I love holdin' hands with boeurs. Does good stuff to me. Yeah, I'd better go in and make sure the coast is clear, stall on there a sec, love, says I, givin' her a peck on the cheek. Feck this, I'm goin' back for a shift. Take her hands, and shift away. Nice one. She's been eatin' jam sandwiches, either strawberry or raspberry, can never be sure. Right, I'll be right back to ye in a minute. Jaysus she pinched my arse, look cool, turn around, wink at her and point at her like your hand is a gun, nice one, she likes that!  
Into the room, looks empty. Hi Séamas! Uh, Neville, ye couldn't do me a favour and, uh. fuck off. Neat little obscene hand gesture to mimic the act of sexual intercourse. He sighs. I'll owe you a pint! Two pints! Three pints, says he, break my fucking arm, why don't you? Alright, alright, three pints. Sound. And off he goes. Grab those minty things! Ah, nice breath freshener. Those house-elves, always know when I need them. Pervy little bastards! There she is! Neville said the coast was clear. She sits on me bed, drawing the curtains. I hop on, closing them fully. Nice little candle there to light. Magic ones, never go out.  
I'm so tempted to ask her what the story is with herself and Ron, but know to keep my mouth shut.  
Quietellius! Says she. That the sound-proofing charm? Says I, Sure is, says she. Hope I don't disappoint her now. She's kneeling. Leanin' forward, stroking me arms. Put yer hands on her hips now, good man. Shift away, now don't go for a hurler's kiss too soon. Remember when she asked me what a hurler's kiss was a few weeks ago. Well, says I, sometimes hurlers have to put their hands in dangerous places, she laughed. Lean forward, I reckon she likes being on bottom, roll over? Okay, so I was wrong about that. Oh Jesus have mercy, she's reaching in there already. So much for foreplay, I guess. Shame, I'm awful fond of it.  
OH CHRIST! She's doin' that thing where she pinches me in the. AAAH! WINSTON CHURCHILL! WINSTON CHURCHILL! WINSTON CHURCHIILL!  
Fuck Winston Churchill, says she, practically fuckin' rippin' the robes off me.  
That's your business, says I, trying to look cool as I wonder whether I've just come in me kaks. Don't think I did. Fuck this, I'm grabbin' her left tit. Sweet, now, try and pry it out of that fuckin' bra, wait, it's a Velcro one, I can do these. Yes! Aw, she's smashin'! Parvati can go fuck herself, there's only the one boeur for me, and she's kissing my chest right now. Now my stomach!  
Winston Churchill! Winston. arrah, Hermione's right.  
Fuck Winston Churchill! 


End file.
